Aviation jokes

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner? A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway. Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were known to be short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Delta 767) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. 

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." 

Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."